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Some hours earlier...

it's 0930 in the morning and i have been laying here for the last couple ofhoursfeelingtotally confused and disorientated. Which makes no sense because i know who i am, i know where i am, i know what these things are at the end of my arms and i haven't lost my terry-towelling bathrobe.

i can't explain it, and i expect it's something to do with my levels of exhaustion, pressure, stress, etc that i am under, although stress always sounds like a bullshit cop-out to me. Things from the past few months that haven't made sense have started to. Things that haven't happened have, and what has happened might not have. I have felt mildly nauseated on and off for a few days and i don't know what that has to do with anything.

Like a huge jigsaw puzzle that almost looked like it was coming together and then slid off the table and onto the floor and then you find another fifty pieces in the box still and wonder how much of it you actually had right. That might be a collection of words only or that might actually have meaning and be representative of something.

I'm dreaming in snippets. Cut scenes like a video game. The ridiculous. The wrong. The real or merely realistic. Relevant, tangible, filling in gaps in my memory, filling in blank spaces in my knowledge with "Meanwhile..." captions overhead. Everything feels stretched out a little, like i am. I wonder if i can't almost see through the wall, through the fabric that holds things together and sometimes blinds us, and misguides us. I wish i could say that this was all some drug related haze but it isn't. I have had memories that weren't real, left in the night by my dreams but i always catch them out somewhere because there's some little error that my dreammind always makes, an oversight or deliberate clue?

Everything is jammed up, i am out of words. Maybe i was chasing something and it curled up into its shell and i can no longer reach it. Maybe i am just out of ammo for my ... really stuck for words ... lexical barrage ? vocabulaic volley? now i am just making things up. I might have almost caught it. Maybe that was my chance at enlightenment, and knowing myself. Maybe my brain is shutting down because i need sleep. I know i want a cigarette. I need to set up my bed properly so i have somewhere comfortable to sleep. I have a long and almost endless list of things to do and i think i need a holiday but i am not so sure that i can do it. Everything i need to do or a holiday. I think both of them are beyond me, and apparently that has always been my problem. One foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never. Jack of all trades, master of none. Improvisor. I have been warned that things come too easy for me, and i bore, i take the easiest path once i work it out or think i do. What's the difference between easy and simple. Cornflakes : The Simple things in life are often the best. Childrens smiles, puppies rasslin', good food and wine poured gently over good company. I look forward so rarely. I let myself down. Less than others do, and their failures sting. Can you only rely on yourself? Is it selfish to expect of others. Everyone has their own canoe to paddle, their own rapids to navigate, and forks to choose. Life isn't a picnic, and you have to eat with your fingers. I use my rage for focus, i use my will power to sustain, i wonder if those things cost me. What am i doing right, what am i doing wrong? Who else could possibly judge that? Who else's judgement would matter? i finished a cigarette and i need to sleep. I need to sleep. I need to rest. I almost lay down and gave up the other night. I didn't want to move my arms, i didn't want to make anyone a drink, not even me. I just wanted to lie down. I was done. Duty to my job came, focus sharpened, will held me up, maybe it was pride that held me up there. Pride is of all of our destruction.

HHCIB! How hard can it be? How much trouble can i possibly get into? How bad can it be when i know who i am and i know who you are?


Smoke Damage

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