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i used to be a hell of a lot more fun.
i used to write better, and there was more in my writing.
where did the magic go from my life? even the shitty stuff was sparkly.

did Texas do this to me?
Did Dallas?

am i too used to scratching in the dirt from this new lifestyle? Am i spending too much time looking down?

what the fuck is going on here.

more investigation. results later.


( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 19th, 2006 09:59 pm (UTC)

I feel exactly the same os you. I don't think it's texas. I don't think it's the lifestyle. Let me share with you a fragment of a note from someone trying to let me know it's all going to be OK. What he said really made sense and kind of lifted me up today:

"Every last iota of this fucking cosmos is fucked up right now. Nothing that should happen does. The good is hidden under heaps of shit and the true is hidden under heaps of lies. Those of us who care are exhausted with all the digging. Human nature -- the last few possessors of human nature, among whom you are counted -- are under physical, psychic and moral attack from all sides, all corners. The everyday is a terrarium and everyman has become a lizard.

As low as we may feel, we are the universe's only hope."

I hope this extremly wise man's words can lift you as well.

Nov. 19th, 2006 11:40 pm (UTC)
I know we're all living in an asylum or a fucking zoo at the best of times, and i understand i am like a burnt steak, small, blackened, tough and with the chips stacked up against it. But this is not really a new thing.

The new thing is me. I look at how i used to write, and how i have written in the last few weeks. Just look at the volume - week long stretches without me saying a fucking word. That's not me. The grim, resigned tone, the lack of flair, colour, or play in the words. Why is this happening?

I am feeling physically ground down, and to lose my mental edge is very worrying. That's me. The quick wit, the entertaining turn of a word. What have i done that has changed this? What has been done to me?

I do not understand, and i have to work this out. Go back a year or two years in my journal, and see if the person writing then, sounds like the person writing now. I don't really see much of a similarity. Maybe it's because i started today hungover, and haven't been stoned in a while. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's something else. I've lost something and i don't know where.
Nov. 20th, 2006 06:24 am (UTC)
mAN, DON'T YOU SEE? We are UNDER ATACK! My friend may be alarmist, but he is moist WISE, and what he said to me applies to you as well. The last wellspringgs of actual humanity are under attack. We can't escape it. Bounce your drunks, watch people shot their balls off, but know you are exhaulted. And important. I'm going to slep now, but remember these things. There are few here in RI that will still cotton to my antics, but I realize that they are the same folks that WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH about real klives outside. Hang in there. You've got a fan.
Nov. 20th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
come to my damn wedding in January
Nov. 19th, 2006 10:32 pm (UTC)
Where are you getting this notion of not being any fun? I thought we had fun together.

To every up there is a down. But once you're down, you get right back up.
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:42 pm (UTC)
the twenty minutes a day we get together is great. But what about the rest of my days. Perhaps i need to go out more. Get the city under my feet or something and look for adventures, but i cannot as Dallas is not for those without a car, and the risk of Imperial Entanglements is a huge disincentive. I'm thinking.
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:49 pm (UTC)
I'm thinking that maybe you need some 'home time'. You know, good ole guy time. What we need to do for you is a) get some good friends of your down here, I'll pay for half the airfare and there's a place for them to stay b) get you some good ole mary jane wand lastly c) just go exploring one day. Get up semi-early and go for a walk. See what's around the neighborhood. Hell, let's get you on the transit system (dangerous I know) and get you to spend a day in Fortworth exploring the place or something.

There's alot to do here but like you said, getting around without a car is a hassle and a bitch.
Nov. 19th, 2006 10:33 pm (UTC)
Everything is bigger in Texas, even the lack of magic. Leave immediately.
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:55 pm (UTC)
I currently cannot.

There are things planned and i wonder how much of this "certainty of the future" is impacting on me.
Nov. 19th, 2006 10:47 pm (UTC)
Answer: You're becoming Norman Mailer. Or possibly a character from a novel by James Ellroy.
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:43 pm (UTC)
The Elroy characters often end badly, right?
Nov. 20th, 2006 12:11 am (UTC)
As long as you don't appear in a sequel you should be fine. Also, don't join the CIA or FBI and don't try to invade Cuba.
Nov. 20th, 2006 12:16 am (UTC)
I'd LOVE to join one of those agencies.

Invading Cuba sounds like too much hard work, but i'd like to holiday there.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:41 pm (UTC)
I like this solution better. We must invade england and save them from bad cooking and poor oral hygiene!
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:40 pm (UTC)
Maybe it's an age thing?
Nov. 19th, 2006 11:53 pm (UTC)
Perhaps. But i am also feeling the pinch from a lack of close friends and drinking buddies.

I haven't played cricket in a donkeys age because it's a 30 mile round trip to go play and i am not in a position to be able to play at 10 on a Sunday morning. The only position i am in at that time is supine. And the Indians drive me up the wall with their prissy ways.

Most of my friends now are barstaff and have no time to go out because we're usually fucking working, and don't want to hang out in a bar.

I felt like going down the pub to play pool, but there are few people nearby who would be up for that, and others that i do not want to go spend that time with. Gone are my bunch likely lads down the pub, the bars here are for partying and chasing girls, not for having a chinwag and a few sunny pints, while solving the worlds problems.

Part of it might be the onset of the fucking cold weather - it's pretty brutal. Especially spending as much time out in it as i do. Something is missing and i am not sure where it went, how i get it back, or even exacty what it is.
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 20th, 2006 12:17 am (UTC)
Is that why i can't write anything? Have i dulled my brain so much through the grind?
Nov. 20th, 2006 12:28 am (UTC)
Nov. 20th, 2006 01:00 am (UTC)
thank you.
(no subject) - notcharming - Nov. 20th, 2006 01:08 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 20th, 2006 01:32 am (UTC)
Naw. You wouldn't be in trouble with me. I like you alot so I'll share (but only once in a while!)
Nov. 20th, 2006 06:02 am (UTC)
I'm looking at flights to DFW on 4th or 5th Dec. This work for you?
Nov. 20th, 2006 02:23 pm (UTC)
Nov. 20th, 2006 10:21 pm (UTC)
anyday of the week / year / millenium will do me!
Nov. 20th, 2006 03:17 pm (UTC)
You and rosequeen are hereby invited to a night of guilt and duty free dining at my place on Tuesday, Nov 21, 2006. Beer, food, and some form of entertainment will be provided. Probably Risk 2010 or movies.... I was thinking Monopoly, but somehow the ultimate game of capitalism gone horribly awry seemed inappropriate. :) Let me know if you can make it.
Nov. 20th, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
there's something in my brain that i have already committed to tuesday, if i can't remember what it is, i will try to come on down.
Nov. 21st, 2006 11:33 am (UTC)
i feel the same about lillehammer and i also have a sneaking suspision that the magic and sparkels of yesteryear are much more entrancing now than before
Nov. 21st, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
Which for you could be a bad thing.

I think the lesson is that we need levels of balance in our lives.
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )


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