long conversation with Girl Inc eventuated, covering all the crap of roughly ten months ago. I knew it wouldn't make a lick difference to anything, but i suppose i felt i needed to go through it. Her explanations certainly made as much sense as my evaluations of what was occuing at that time - none, and as expected i was left once again angry.
ARRRRRRGLE ARGH ARGH
[From Amadeus, by Peter Shaffer.]
I know my fate.
Smashed. Smashed Down - The Palace of Sound!
Now for the first time I feel my emptiness, as Adam felt his nakedness.
Tonight at an inn somewhere in this city stands a giggling child who can put down on paper, without actually setting down his billiard cue, casual notes which turn my considered ones into lifeless scratches.
You gave me the desire to serve you - which most men do not have - then saw to it the service was shameful in the ears of the server.
You gave me the desire to praise you- which most men do not have - then made me mute.
You put into me perception of the Incomparable - which most men never know! - then ensured that I would know myself forever mediocre.
[His voice gains power] Why?…What is my fault? …
Until this day I have pursued virtue with rigour. I have laboured long hours to relieve my fellow men. I have worked and worked the talent you have allowed me.
[calling up] You know how hard I've worked! - Solely that in the end, in the practice of the art which alone makes the world comprehensible to me, I might hear Your Voice! And now I do hear it - and it says only one name: MOZART!
… Spiteful, sniggering, conceited, infantile Mozart! - who has never worked one minute to help another man! - shit-talking Mozart with his botty-smacking wife! - him you have chosen to be your sole conduct!
And my only reward - my sublime - privilege - is to be the sole man alive in this time who shall clearly recognise your Incarnation!
[savagely] Grazie e grazie ancora!
[pause] So be it! From this time we are enemies, You and I! I'll not accept it from You - Do you hear?… They say God is not mocked. I tell you, Man is not mocked!… I am not mocked!… They say the spirit bloweth where it listeth : I tell you NO! It must list to virtue or not blow at all! What else is virtue for, but to fit us for Your incarnations?
[Yelling] Dio Ingiusto! - You are the Enemy!
I name Thee now - Nemico Eterno!
And this I swear. To my last breath I shall block you on earth, as far as I am able.
[He glares up at God.]
[To audience]: What use, after all, is Man, if not to teach God His lessons?
Now my point here, and what poor old Salieri got wrong and what i constantly do, is that by opposing God or the Fates or whatever, you don't actually gain anything apart from a hell of an opposition.
If either of us had any sense we'd go out there and fuck directly with the people that this "God" protects. Which is inevitably the idiots, losers and morons, also oddly enough the liars, the cheats, and all the classical sinners, that should have forsaken their ties to "God", but he's a forgiving arsehole and forgives these people their sins, but seems to do sweet FUCK ALL for those of us who go through life trying to do the right thing.
I HATE God.